Saint Valentine’s Day, commonly shortened to Valentine’s Day, is an annual commemoration held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.  The day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs, Saint Valentine, and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969 by Pope Paul VI, but its religious observance is still permitted.

At the Sex Coach Dr., I provide assistance to YOU … in your desire to have a fulfilling, strong, loving relationship.  Your sexual expression is one part — one important aspect — of this goal!  Come browse around:  Read our articles, ask questions, join our tele-seminars!   I have worked with clients to provide relationship coaching and sex therapy for over 35 years.  I want to help you and your partner create a relationship that is so satisfying that you cannot hold yourself back from writing me an email to tell me that your relationship has NEVER BEEN BETTER!!

Please look around to your heart’s content?  And, before you go, would you sign up for our feed? Then we can stay in touch — you will receive automatic updates of items of special interest from me!  And, even though you may have to leave today, I invite you to come back again soon!

Have you and your partner been looking for practical ways to strengthen the power your of your relationship. Do you want to go beyond a strong sexual relationship? Do you wish to enhance your intimacy?

Here are 4 tips for enhancing your Sexual Intimacy and Relationship Strength:

1. Find Balance: Finding the balance between relationship, family, work, friends, and personal time may be a challenge. However, where your relationship is concerned, it is an endeavor that is well worth the energy invested to allow it to happen. Healthy relationships require your active presence. Being present in your relationship takes you to make plans, you to provide attention and you to follow through. So, get out your schedule and begin to create balanced time for those elements of importance — be sure to include time for talking, time for sexual pleasuring, time for dating, time for romance and time for sexual satisfaction.

2. Strive for Similar Values: As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything. Such variety can add spice to your partnership! However, having similar values — such as, the importance of spirituality, of friends and other social-support systems, of sexuality and sexual expression, of community volunteerism/giving, of honesty, of hard work, of fidelity, of investing/spending — can add significantly to the accord in your relationship. If you and your partner are at odds on core values, begin to communicate about them. Pay attention to what you do share in common and to what originally attracted you to each other. See where you already have a meeting of the minds. Then, investigate options for compromise.

3. Disagree Agreeably: If you find yourself and your partner on different sides of a decision, do your best to engage in honest listening. What is honest listening, you might ask? Honest listening is sincerely trying to hear your partner’s point of view. It’s listening without thinking up additional arguments. It is being open to differences. It is sincerely caring what your partner is feeling and thinking. If both of you feel strongly, consider agreeing to disagree. Better yet — continue to discuss and learn from one another until you create a new solution that is win-win for you both!

4. Celebrate Your Love: Be sure to include intimacy in your relationship. Sex is important in a loving relationship. It is the glue that holds the partnership together in joy and provides it with support in times of discouragement. In addition, the physical act of sex becomes even more powerful when it unites your emotions and mind and spirit with those of your beloved. Uniting in these ways requires that you each offer a 24-7 attitude of support and agreeableness to one anther. It requires being kind, attentive and loving to one another throughout the day.

I urge you to use these ideas over and over to enhance your sexual intimacy and strengthen your relationship.

And I invite you to learn more about how to enhance your relationship, and increase intimacy and satisfaction by visiting our blog at http://www.sex-coach-online.com.  Join our list by entering your name and email address, or click on “RSS” to add yourself to our the RSS-feed — you will be informed right away about new additions and information that can benefit your sexual enjoyment and your relationship! Get Practical Ideas & Tips that You can Use Right This Minute!

Good Communication is an essential part of a Good Relationship. Talking about sex can be easy … or, it can be difficult. Sex talk can be easy when viewed as light, bantering play. Sex talk can be difficult when you see it as having the potential for risking embarrassment, rejection, and hurt feelings. Using some courage to speak with your partner about sexual issues can allow the two of you to enter an exciting new phase in your sexual relationship.

Here’s What to Do — 5 Keys for Partner Sex Talk:

1. Make Time for Sexual Communication: In the very-busy style of today’s couples, time together can become a rare commodity and time together for sex can become an even rarer commodity! With so many demands on your time, it can be habit to put your relationship last. This being the case, it is important to take time — outside of a sexual setting — to talk about your relationship.

2. Agree on a Time for Sex Talk: Be upfront with your partner — don’t just “spring” the topic on him/her. You might say, “I have something that I would like us to talk about that is very important to me. Is this a good time for you to sit down with me and talk?” If not, this would be the time to agree on a time to talk — “Would it work for you tonight after dinner?” — until you find a mutually-agreeable time.

3. Prioritize Sex Talk: When that time arrives, remind your partner, “It’s after dinner now and the dishes are done. Could we sit down now and talk?” Don’t try to cover too much at one time. Perhaps, you just discuss a couple of issues. Also, don’t try to cover other subjects; restrict your talking to sexual issues once you sit down. Then, before ending this discussion, agree on a time to continue the talk.

4. Get Comfortable with Sex Talk as a Subject of Conversation: It can be easy to get flustered and tongue-tied when it comes down to actually expressing yourself in explicit sexual language. If this happens to you, relax and breathe! You are, by far, NOT alone.

To help you out on this, take some time beforehand to think about what you want to say to your partner about sex. Rehearse ahead of time — yes, that’s right, practice until you are comfortable with the words and expressions. Familiarize yourself with the language. Say it aloud so that you can get comfortable with hearing YOURSELF saying the ideas you have in mind.

5. Know Your Feelings, Be Direct & Clear: If you have been feeling frustrated, try to be specific about what is truly bothering you. If possible, make specific, behavior requests: “I would like us to cuddle more often and for at least 15 minutes when we do.” Your partner cannot read your mind. If you want something specific, ask for it clearly, “I find it really exciting when you spend time pleasuring me.”

I encourage you to use these keys over and over to create a more relaxed atmosphere of sex talk with your partner. This, in turn, can dramatically increase your mutual pleasure and satisfaction in sexual interaction.

And I encourage you to learn more about how to use Romance to enliven and deepen your Relationship. Signup for our Guidebook, “Romantic Ideas to Enhance Your Relationship Intimacy, Part I” ook TODAY.

What can you do when you and your partner disagree? What can your partner do to bridge such discord? What works to get your relationship back on track?

IS AGREEMENT ESSENTIAL?:
For the two of you to create and maintain a solid relationship, the truth is that it is NOT essential for you both to agree … all the time … on everything. Those areas of disagreement can be harnessed to utilize the BEST of each of your skills — perhaps, your chef-skills are exquisite; perhaps, your partner is quite proficient at clean up. Together, you have the perfect formula for mealtime harmony!

STRATEGIES FOR ACCORD:
When you and your partner disagree, it is important to have strategies in place to allow you — together — to handle the discord in such a way that your relationship can grow stronger as a result! Yes, that’s right. You and your partner can disagree … and the relationship can grow stronger as a result of HOW the two of you accomplish that disagreement.

How can that be? you might be asking.

KEY TO HARMONY:
The answer is Acceptance. Acceptance is key to creating harmony for — and between — the two of you. Acceptance means releasing the idea that there is a “right way” and a “wrong way”. Acceptance refers to looking at differences from the viewpoint that there can be TWO right ways!

TWO RIGHT WAYS:
Seeing that there can be two right ways means that the two of you now have more to work with. You each have two options — your original solution and your partner’s original solution. When it comes to problem-solving, the more options that are available, often, the quicker and more effective are the solutions that ensue.

THE WISDOM OF ACCEPTANCE:
Acceptance allows you and your partner to act on wisdom. It is the wisdom mentioned in this paraphrase of the Serenity Prayer: “Grant me the Serenity to Accept what I cannot change … the Courage to change what I can … and the Wisdom to know the difference”.

I urge you and your partner to use acceptance frequently to empower and strengthen your relationship.

And I invite you to learn more about how to enhance your relationship, and increase intimacy and satisfaction by visiting our blog at http://www.sex-coach-online.com.  Join our list by entering your name and email address, or click on “RSS” to add yourself to our the RSS-feed — you will be informed right away about new additions and information that can benefit your sexual enjoyment and your relationship! You will receive Practical Ideas & Tips that You can Use Right This Minute!

Developing Increased Intimacy:

Intimacy is a state of closeness whose success depends on Constructive communication.  Constructive communication, in turn, provides the pathway to satisfying sexual interaction.  Constructive communication refers to the process of communicating in such a way that each person who is involved feels BETTER about oneself and the other because of what transpired during the interaction.  It is not a matter of one-ups-man-ship.  Rather, constructive communication is always win-win.  Any other outcome can only be lose-lose.

Constructive communication enhances respect, emotional support, satisfaction, compatibility, physical well-being:  In a word, constructive communication enhances Intimacy.

The basic skills in Constructive Communication include those of both listening and speaking.  Numbered among the listening skills are –

• attentive listening to the words that are spoken;
• non-verbal listening — “hearing” body and
  facial messages that are given;
• kinesthetic listening — paying attention to
  undertones and emotional allusions; and
• the attitude of respect and understanding.

The speaking skills include –

• an open, self-revealing approach;
• an assertive, straight-forward presentation;
• honest, clear expressions of one’s feelings; and
• the self-awareness to ask for what one wants as
  a resolution to the situation at hand.

With these skills in both party’s possession, each is prepared to negotiate differences — a requisite to establishing true, enduring closeness.  Also requisite is the willingness to let go:  To allow someone else to become intensely close … close enough to inflict great damage … yet with mutually-designed safety that is more-than-enough that each partner knows that the damage will not occur.

The attitude for this level of Intimacy — as well as for negotiating differences is:  How can I help you?  I love you.  The person whom I love is hurting, upset or in pain.  What can I do to help?

The challenge for each partner is to keep himself/herself out of the way, so that his/her partner can be free to express honest feelings in the kindest way possible.  It is a fine-tuned balance, one that takes repeated attempts to accomplish.

The Areas of Sexual Dysfunction:

Disorders which fall in the realm of Sexual Dysfunction include the following:

For Men –

a)  inhibited arousal/erectile dysfunction — commonly
termed impotence;
b)  inhibited desire — lack of desire for sex;
c)  delayed or retarded ejaculation — extreme difficulty
in attaining ejaculation once sexually aroused;
d)  early ejaculation — extremely quick ejaculation
dissatisfying to both partners;
e)  painful intercourse — pain during intercourse.

For Women –

a)  inhibited sexual desire — lack of desire for sex;
b)  anorgasmia — lack of experiencing orgasm;
c)  vaginismus — a condition of severe limitation of
the vagina, causing pain during attempts at
intercourse;
d)  dyspareunia — pain during intercourse.

For Both Partners –

a)  lack of frequency compatibility — the frequency
with which partners desire sex is very different;
and
b)  discomfort in communicating physical and
emotional needs.

Rather than going into detailed explanations of each of these areas of Sexual Dysfunction, I want to make one point outstandingly clear:  These areas of Sexual Dysfunction ARE TREATABLE.  If you — and your partner — are suffering from one or more of these areas, understand me well.

YOU CAN GET HELP!

Since I have a personal preference in this area, I’ll just go ahead and say it:  Because these areas are treatable, DO NOT WAIT any longer.  Certainly, you do not have to seek help from me.  Seek assistance from the qualified person whom you and your partner can best trust.  AND DO SEEK ASSISTANCE … as soon as you possibly can!!  Your mutual intimacy, pleasure and satisfaction with your partner are worth it!

Frequently, I’ve had people say to me, “Breathing — what’s the big deal? If I’m alive, I’m breathing — right?” S/he were using this as a proof that there was NOTHING WRONG with his/her breathing. In other words, s/he were indicating her/his belief that the only thing that could go wrong with breathing is to stop it all together.

This could not be further from the truth. The truth is that effective breathing is essential to health and well-being.

There are no substitutes. There are no alternatives.

Oxygen is more crucial to our life than is food or fluids. On most days, we can safely go hours without fluids (Note: I don’t advise doing this). If there is a good reason, we can go days without food (Note 2: I don’t advise doing this, either).

We cannot go 5 minutes without breathing.

That is how vital oxygen — and breathing — is to our existence. You cannot do without it! However, sometimes, people try to do so!

It is quite common for people, under extreme stress, to hold their breaths. It is routine for people who are tired to breathe shallowly. Neither of these lead to ample oxygen to adequately serve the needs of the body.

When your body is deprived of adequate oxygen, it subtly tenses up. It does this specifically because it is getting dangerously low on such a crucial necessity!

Such tensing of your body increases stress on your system. This is exactly the OPPOSITE of what is needed for stress reduction.   When you want to enjoy intimacy with your partner, relaxation — the lack of tension — is the most delightful of prerequisites!

So, the solution is simple: You can begin to purposely breathe d-e-e-p-l-y and s-l-o-o-o-w-l-y. Taking ten slow, deep breaths begins to reverse the stress that was imposed by shallow, rapid breathing. Taking fifteen slow, deep breaths begins to speed you on your way to successful stress reduction.

And the beauty of this is that you have EVERYTHING you need, with you this very minute. Right now — this very minute — try it out!

Go ahead — notice how you are feeling this very moment. Then, begin to take 15 slow, deep breaths. Just inhale deeply to the count of 4 — 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 — and, then, change the cycle. Now exhale deeply to the count of 4 — 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 — and, change the cycle back. Proceed in that way for 15 slow, deep breaths.

Now, notice how you feel as a result. What do you notice?  When you breathe and relax with your partner, do you notice that your sense of closeness — of bonding — increases?

That’s right: Your stress has begun to diminish; your relaxation has begun to increase. And best of all: This allows you and your partner to begin feeling even closer, even more in the mood for enjoyment!

To maintain a good, solid sexual relationship, it is important that you and your partner take the time to communicate openly about sex. In the midst of busy days, this can be a challenge! Challenging or not, it is important that you and your partner invest time and energy to enhance your sex talk.

Here are “6 Essential Steps to Effective Sex Talk” to help your sex communication be more beneficial:

1. Be Careful About How You Say What You Say: Let’s say that you you want something particular from your partner — perhaps you want a change in attitude or practice. To increase the probability of securing the agreement of your partner to your suggestion, frame it as a request for something new. Do your best to refrain from framing it as a fault.

Most of us do NOT like to be told how badly we do something. We respond defensively to such commentary. Defensiveness will work against you and your partner achieving harmony and agreement.

2. Maximize the Positive: Compliment your Partner freely. Doing so sets a positive atmosphere for further discussion.

3. Minimize the Negative: Whenever possible, avoid criticism and casting blame. Most of us do NOT respond positively to criticism. We respond much more favorably to compliments and acknowledgment!

To state a suggestion in a way that makes it easier for your partner to respond agreeably, avoid criticizing and use “I” statements. For example, rather than saying, “You don’t know how to please me,” you might try, “It would be more pleasurable for me if you did that this way”.

4. Allow for Differences: Neither of you always has to be right! Each of you has your own style and expectation … and these might not be identical. Keep your partner’s point of view in mind when addressing your sexual concerns.

5. Negotiate: This step is important to unlock sexual stalemate. By allowing for differences, you are on the path to compromise. Openly, show your willingness to consider alternatives to your requests or to negotiate a solution that will satisfy both of you.

6. Use Engaging Body Language: While you are talking, be careful of what your body language is communicating. Your body language can convey a huge amount of emotion.

Focus on allowing your body to express calm and relaxation. Maintain good eye contact. Periodically, touch your partner in a loving way to remind him/her of your commitment to work things out.

I encourage you to use these techniques over and over to enhance your sexual communication and enliven your sex talk.

And I encourage you to learn more about how to use Romance to enliven and deepen your Relationship. If you want to turn ho-hum into alive and spirited, this Guidebook is for you! If your relationship is troubled, DON’T wait! To Receive Your Guidebook, “Romantic Ideas to Enhance Your Relationship Intimacy, Part I”, visit http://www.sexuality-coach.com/romanticideas.htm

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Have you ever wished for more intimacy with your partner? If so, you are already part-way there! The very act of having an idea is a powerful stimulus to start creating action in the direction of that idea. So, the very act of having a desire for a more intimate relationship can start activating behaviors in that direction.

What actions? … you might be wondering. This is an important question!

Each of the following 6 Tips to Create More Intimacy are based on A-C-T-I-O-N. To reach a specific result, it is important to act in ways that create that result! These 6 Tips are –

Tip #1. Talk together about your relationship: To increase intimacy, communication about what is important to each of you is essential. Such communication allows each of you to better understand the important priorities that each of you have. Communicating in this way begins the process to bring the two of you closer, physically and emotionally.

Tip #2. Make a list of actions that promote the closeness you desire: As you discuss what is important to you, begin to write down what you can do — and what your partner can do — to work together to increase closeness. For this step, focus on specific behavioral tasks that can be enjoyed together.

Tip #3. Have your partner make a list of actions that promote the closeness s/he desires: As your partner discusses what is important to her/him, have s/he write down what each of you can do to work together to increase closeness. For this step, focus on specific behavioral tasks that can be enjoyed together.

Tip #4. Plan time to spend together: ‘Remember when you were dating? During that time, both you and your partner made a habit to coordinate your schedules. Why? So that the date would actually happen — so that you and your partner would end up at the same place at the same time! This is still an important step for you and your partner to plan … so it is guaranteed to happen.

Tip #5. Agreement to do at least one thing on each of your lists: That’s right — you are going to start simply … with just one, each!

Tip #6. Implement your mutual plan: When that prior-agreed-upon date and time arrive, you follow through and enjoy time together. During this time, each of you do at least one thing on your partner’s list.

I invite you to use these tips over and over to create even-deeper intimacy with your partner. Your relationship is very precious! Caring for it — maintaining it with consideration, time, energy and love — is essential for it to thrive!

And I encourage you to learn more about how to use Romance to enliven and deepen your Relationship. If you want to turn ho-hum into alive and spirited, sign up for our Guidebook (on the home page) — it is for you! If your relationship is troubled, DON’T wait!

Good Sexual Communication is vital to a Good Relationship. Sex Talk can be fun … it can be a source of intimacy in your relationship. Sex Talk can be difficult … especially if you and your partner have not been using this Communication Tool on a regular basis.

As with anything else, where Sexual Communication is concerned, “Practice makes perfect!” So, if you have been finding difficulty getting the words out, it is a sure sign that you and your partner need to do MUCH MORE of it!

For this section on Sexual Communication, the skill will be Better Listening. Here are your “3 Essential Tips to More Effective Listening”:

1. Be a Good Listener: This could be the hardest step of all! It requires that you hold your tongue — and your rebuttal — for later. This is IMPORTANT: As a good listener, it is crucial that you do NOT spend your listening-time framing your defense to statement(s) your partner is making.

Rather, while your partner is speaking, stay focused on what your partner is saying — so that you can really hear — and understand — the message your partner is delivering. One exercise to get better with this is to have the listener-partner reiterate what s/he understood the other partner to have said or requested.

2. Ask Your Partner Questions: In your role as listener, ask for clarification. Doing so helps her/him better explain the statements — or requests — s/he are making. This, in turn, assists you, the listener, later to be better able to accommodate those requests.

3. Keep Your Demeanor Loving and Caring: This point is vital to the positive outcome of your Sex Talk. Whatever you request as the Speaker, the request is better received and more-easily completed. Whatever clarification you seek as the Listener, your input is more seriously listened to and regarded.

Yes, it may be true that you and your partner have been having difficulty. Perhaps, you have been mis-communicating. Quite likely, both of you are frustrated. Remember to keep your priorities clear: This is the person you love! Be mindful to keep your words loving.

I encourage you to use these listening-tips over and over to create a more relaxed atmosphere of sex talk with your partner. This, in turn, can dramatically increase your mutual pleasure and satisfaction in all sexual communication.

And I encourage you to learn more about enhancing your relationship, and increasing intimacy and satisfaction with our Special Relationship Report, “How to Add Romance to Enhance Your Relationship!”  Just sign up on the home page!